Monday, 12 November 2012

How i almost got disgraced!

I was very close to being publicly disgraced about two weeks ago.

I took a few hours off work to get some items in Lagos island, balogun market to be specific. On my way, i realized i was really farting but i was all alone by myself in the car so i allowed my fart to flow freely to the extent that i was almost choking me,it was at that point that i gave myself brain and turned off the ac so i could wind down the windows. This was very unusual because i hadn't had anything to eat and i didn't have dinner the previous night, so i was wondering what was going on, little did i know that nature had a surprise waiting for me.

I got to the market, parked my car and started my journey, i started walking and i was still farting, but this time around, i had to control it and made it as noiseless as possible,(i'm sure y'all know what i mean]. Then all of a sudden, it felt like the pressure of the fart made a u-turn to my stomach and i started having cramps. I managed to continue walking until i got to my destination, i took a seat and waited for the woman to bring out what i wanted to buy, then i started sweating profusely and couldn't concentrate, the woman was also taking so much time and i told her that i had to leave and promised her i would come back. My plan was to look for the nearest toilet available to "do the deed" but the woman obviously felt that i wanted to leave without patronising her so i had to drop the polythene bag i was holding as surety.

I stepped out of her shop and started looking for a bike to take me to the nearest eatery, i stood and was wondering why there was no bike and then i remembered that our dear Governor had banned bikes. So i started walking towards an eatery and at this point i felt like i was going to poo in my pants, to make matters worse i was wearing a skirt and i knew if it happened there will be no barrier for the poo.

I got to Tastee Fried Chicken and there was a crowd there, it was around break time and so there were a lot of men and women dressed in suit having lunch. I knew where the rest room was but i didn't want to make it obvious by going there immediately, so i decided to join the queue for food, then after a few minutes, i headed for the restroom. When i got there, there was a woman who just got into the toilet and as soon as she entered, she exclaimed "Ki-ni eleyi?, ko si omi ni toilet yi sha" meaning what is this? there is no water in this toilet! My jaw almost dropped, i immediately made a u-turn and dashed out. I then decided to try out chicken republic, which was 3 minutes walk from tfc, i crossed the road and walked into chicken republic and as soon as i got in, i looked round and saw more good looking guys having lunch,then i composed myself and tried to look normal. I looked round and couldn't find their restroom so i joined the queue. When it was my turn, i ordered chik wizz because i knew that it would take about 10 minutes to be ready for it to be ready so in the meantime, my plan was to use their restroom then come back for my order. After i made my order, like i predicted, the cashier/attendant told me it will take 10 minutes so i said ok, and asked for where the restroom was and he said it was outside the building, i managed to compose myself and co-ordinate my fart as i headed for the door. I stepped out and asked the security man at the door for the restroom and in his words he said "Madam, the toilet no work today", i thought i didn't hear him clearly so i asked again and he repeated the same words and i said thank you. At that point i just felt like crying because i didn't know what else to do, I was devastated, i couldn't imagine pooing in my pants, different kind of thoughts came to my mind as i stood in front of chicken republic thinking of the next line of action.

I looked across and i saw gtbank. I then remembered that i know someone who works there, i crossed the road and entered the bank. It was also crowded as usual so i approached the security personnel and mentioned the name of the person i wanted to see to him. He responded and said “She no dey this branch again, they don transfer her since March”. As soon as I heard that I just concluded within myself that I was really gonna poo in my pants. I knew I could use their restroom but I didn’t know how to go about it. I chilled for some seconds and then walked up to the same security personnel again and asked if I could use the restroom, he pointed to it and I walked towards it, the location is pretty obvious but it covered by a banner so I didn't see it early enough. As soon as I stepped in, I checked if there was water and tissue and after I realized that there was, I proceeded to do the DEED, it was such a relief. I timed myself because I didn’t want anyone watching me to have the impression that I was pooing, so I ensured I was done in approximately 4 mins.

After I finished, I walked briskly towards the door and took a deep breath, I retraced myself to my customers shop, got what I needed to get and headed to the car park, got into the car and drove off.

I always hear stories like this but never experienced it, this is one I will not forget in a LONG TIME, more than ever before i am convinced that "Shit business is serious business".

Thanks for stopping by.